by Sloan Devany
“Officer, I expect one phone call AND a strip search.”
What is the sex appeal of the uniformed police officer? There I was, driving around the Port City with my friend Crystal Clear, a beautiful 39-years-of age career woman. Crystal is interested in moving from Charlotte to Wilmington for her business and for personal reasons. After all, who would not want to live in Wilmington over Charlotte? We dined at a good Cambodian restaurant on Market Street, where she was embarrassingly suggestive to the waiter, (which is another subject for this column). Later, we drove around and looked at houses she can afford. Crystal owns a Forest Hills attitude on a Dry Pond budget when it comes to houses she likes. Around 9:30 pm, we ended up on Greenfield Street, close to Greenfield Park, where there are very nice bungalows. Out of nowhere, two police vehicles showed up, their lights flashed and I was pulled over. The officer approached my window and asked for my driver’s license and registration. THANK GEE-OD I had just had my four-month-expired license card renewed two days before! “What is your business in this neighborhood sir?” He asked me. “This neighborhood is known for drug dealings and prostitution.” Well for Katherine Moore’s sake, I thought it was pretty evident the moment he walked up to my car window that I was NOT the profile john. Surely, the cameras from the COPS show were there too. I dreaded to be on TV looking guilty. Crystal meanwhile took on her Scarlet O’Hara persona. “Oh my officer, whatever is the trouble lil’ ol’ us has caused?” She wasn’t a former May Queen (1979), Tobacco Princess (1980), Homecoming Court (1982-3- and Queen 1984) and St. Mary’s Beat Peace College Queen (1985) for nothing. It’s amazing the number of women I know in the South who were former beauty contestants. They really are just like everyone else only prettier.
“Mamm,” The officer said to her. “The rear plate sticker is dirty and hard to see and that is the reason why I pulled ya’ll over, but you check out okay and can move along.”
“Why thank you kindly officer,” Crystal said, “I have always blessed the police department, rally I have.”
She waved him good-bye. I sighed with anger and relief. I was nervous and anxious to get it over with and she was flirtatious and actually seemed to want to hold the policeman longer so she could interrogate him. Okay, what was it about the policeman? Crystal said it was a lot of things. “He had a tight waste and broad shoulders. He was packen’ a gun holster belt and wearing black leather gloves, and he had bulging arms from a short sleeved UNIFORM rrr-ruff!” She had now taken on her Scarlet Dominatrix persona. The entire evening discussion from then out was consumed with what I should have done to prevent the situation and hers on how she wanted the officer’s telephone number.
So what was it? Was the policeman good-looking or was it the uniform? Whenever I put on a suit I sometimes feel the confidence it gives me and I feel more attractive. But I feel that way with a pair of ass enhancing jeans too.
I sent out an evaluation in the Wilmington metro area and asked: “Are you attracted to police officers? Attraction can be interpreted as sexual or nonsexual. What makes police officer's attractive to you? Is it the uniform, the authority, hero/heroine appeal, what? Please be as honest as you wish.” The responders were mostly college educated. They are in the age range of 29 to 55. More men responded than women. All the women said no sexual attraction. My friend Crystal is in a minority it seems, and she has some wild fantasies about police enforcement. Here are a few examples of the email replies I received;
Male, 45 years of age, lives in Murrayville, “Nope, can't say that police officers do anything for me. Now if they are really cute and buff of course I'm interested but that has nothing to do with them being police.”
Female, 55 years of age, lives in Porters Neck. “It depends. But mostly I am non-sexually attracted to policemen....maybe it's the authority thing.”
Male, 50 years of age, lives in Leland. “I am very attracted to attractive or well-built police officers (firefighters, too-yum). Overweight or unattractive officers are just as repulsive as plain clothes trolls. However, I do think that attractive (to me) officers are even more attractive because they are in uniform. I do find myself occasionally attracted to an officer which I might not be interested in without the uniform. In other words, I find attractive well-built officers very sexy and I do think the uniform increases that attraction. But, the officer must be worth the effort. The uniform is not a guarantee.”
Male, 34 years of age, lives in Bottom Neighborhood. “Hum, am I "attracted" to cops? Only if they are hot. Does the uniform add appeal? Yeah - it does. I think it’s the idea of a man who puts himself into dangerous situations. That said, the cuffs don't hurt any either. Well, hopefully they hurt a little, but not a lot. I find military men more "hot" in the general role playing type of scenario...”
Male, 41 years of age, lives near Shallotte. “I'd say it's the uniform, sexy little bitches.”
Male, 51 years of age, lives in Kings Grant. “I must admit...that's a whole new pick-up line!”
Male, 36 years of age, lives in Eastwood. “No, I can’t say that I am.”
Female, 29 years of age, lives in Ogden. “I hate PO!!!!!!!!!!! I perceive them as controlling & arrogant!!!!!! Uniforms turn me offfffffffffffffffff…. I'm sure, I blew your stats!!!!!!! Ha-ha......”
Across town, my friend Penelope Witless joined a metaphysical discussion group at Unity Christ Church. The group gathers once a week in the evening. She wants to meet people and gain spiritual growth. Chrystal seeks the Oneness. Penny also says, “I’m tired of feeling pathetically single and pushing thirty.” She hopes getting out there and learning new things will aid her to learn that it is okay to be alone and get over the overwhelming desire to get married. Yet, what should metaphallically show up and sit across from her with his beefy hairy legs... and Robber was his name. Penny told me, this Robber speaks like a Bodhisattva warrior, and even though he sounds like Thurston Howell from Gilligan’s Island, she finds it a major turn-on and what luck to meet someone she has been “saving herself” for, and translation for that means, “I haven’t met the right one yet or ANY ONE.” And he, Robber, is UNAVAILABLE. So, another opportunity to find wisdom, holy wellness and romance shot to Hades in a hand basket from petty human lust and a “WE” bomb.
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