ISSUE 16 - SEX & THE PORT CITY

by Sloan Devany

Me and you and a dog named Muffin

I was reading about the new Wilmington dog park in Empie Park, which has two acres for dogs to roam and play freely. The park opening reminded me of my friend River DeNile. He and his girlfriend, Cleo Jones, have been seeing one another about a year and a half. They spend some weekends together, jog together, watch movies and attempt doing most all other happy couple “we” activities. One big problem River has is Cleo’s dog. “The damn dawg,” named Muffin, is a lumbering pony size part Doberman part llama big dog.
He slobbers, he pants loudly, he drags dog food all over the condo, and he has destroyed her place from top to bottom. No door frame is chew free. Muffin’s nail marks are in the bottom of the porcelain bathtub. He was at my house and rolled as hard as he could on my best Persian rug. I still breathe into a paper bag at the thought. Muffin has vacuum resistant hair. The hair will not come off the furniture. His hair sticks to everything and it has a life of its own. I like pets, don’t get me wrong, heck, I treat all of my house bugs with the utmost respect before squishing them. I never understand the dependency for pets. Muffin has never met an enemy so he offers no real protection. He can be bribed with a cookie. Muffin accepts affection from anyone willing or unwilling. He charges at strange people at full speed. I see the horror on the people’s faces at this monster dog bearing down on them. I still hear their screams of terror as he goes right for their faces to lick them and transfer dog germs.
Like a lot of dog owners, Cleo is oblivious to other people’s dis-love of Muffin and she refuses to leash him or “pick up” after him. Some sort of warped philosophy about the leash stunting his natural curiosity and the “pick up” is fertilizer and dog’s mouths are cleaner than humans.
“Oh, he loves people and won’t bite,” she nonchalantly offers the victims crying for help. The cost of dog food alone is putting Cleo into the poor house. Naturally, Muffin can only eat expensive prescription dog chow. He has a skin condition. He has dog arthritis. He has bad breath. He has every known canine ailment known to veterinarian science and Cleo has a Monday through Sunday pill box for Muffin. Getting Muffin to take the pills is an ordeal. She must disguise the pills in peanut butter or cream cheese. I saw Muffin eat the cheese and spit out the pill. Who can blame the poor boy, those pills look repulsive.
Of course, Muffin suffers from severe separation anxiety. He cannot be left alone and when Cleo is nearby he whines and wants to be next to her except when they are out walking in public for instance. When left alone or unwatched, Muffin goes running amuck and crosses busy intersections. He is fearless of oncoming traffic. Why should he be? Muffin sees gas guzzling SUVs as chew toys.

Another time, River and Cleo showed up at my house with Muffin. Muffin took off after a neighborhood feline and galloped into a neighbor’s backyard and over a six foot high electrified chain link fence. According to neighborhood gossip, which is always correct, this neighbor once lived in a survivalist community and brags about her tiger traps. I thought that would be the end of Muffin but even a ten foot deep pit with spikes couldn’t contain him.
River puts up with Muffin because he wants more with Cleo. He wants a deeper relationship but the damn dawg always creates a crisis that delays the idea. Muffin causes too much strain on the relationship. Cleo and River were hanging out in River’s backyard and just as they were getting affectionate, Muffin fell off the deck steps. The entire afternoon was blown with rushing Muffin to the animal ER. He was sent home with a busted hip and wrapped like something from the Mummy’s Tomb. A neck cone was enforced to keep Muffin from scratching at his injury. I couldn’t resist tossing him a ball into the cone. This accident sent Cleo into a 24/7 hour nursing schedule. Would she give River the same attention if he was in an accident?
Muffin slowly recovered and is out there leaping through screened-in porches. His hip injury suspiciously only flares up when River is there to take Cleo out on a date. She then cancels with River to stay with Muffin and that begins a fight about Cleo using Muffin as an excuse AGAIN. So, is River willing to stay in this funny place of waiting for the next Muffin incident of a relationship? Is Cleo willing to compromise? The answer is no. As sad as it is, River should end it with Cleo because it is painfully obvious to anyone else that the problem isn’t just the confused whimpering destructive attention distracting dog. Cleo has no romantic longevity interest for River. She believes ‘Love me but I love my dog first’ and that leaves no room for River DeNile.