How to say NO! To moochers
Out-of-work-by choice, users, mooching friends . . . it's time we learned how to say no. If you can't, you may find your money drained along with your time and emotional energy.
We all have them in our lives, those people who choose to be unemployed. They are our friends, lovers, brothers or even a next-door-neighbor. I have an overstocked number of them in my life for some reason. They choose unemployment for philosophical arguments. They avoid a regular job because it takes away from their poetry writing. I know a user friend who once said to me after I suggested she find a job, “Oh no, that would kill me.” They always manage, so why bother punching in at the time clock now? They get by on the kindness of strangers, the reliability of over-giving parents and taking advantage of everyone’s politeness. They ask me to drive them all over town since I have a full tank of gas and I have an auto that runs or heck that I have a car. We aid them because we feel we must give alms to beggars, even those who choose the impoverished life. I could forgive them and even admire their work-free lives if they actually made a living from the poetry “Ode to a toad” writing or if it wasn’t the double standard they live in, “Money is the root of all evil, don’t sell out to the establishment, may I borrow $200.00?” By grace, there are church’s in the Wilmington metro area that have funds set aside to help the needy, particularly people who are down and out without choice. I have a friend who makes the rounds to these churches and asks them to pay her bills and sometimes she gets them to pay her mortgage. She promises to stop asking and donate a return once her movie script is sold, right after she writes it and may she borrow my computer, or until the pine cones hand dipped in gold paint sell for big bucks!
The users also try to take up our free time, we the overburdened, underpaid slave to industry laborer. The moochers not only ask but sometimes expect us to give up our days away from the salt mine to run long distance errands for them, or in an acquaintance’s case, pick up stones lining her flower beds. “It would take me all day if you don’t help,” she woes. Let me think on that? Give up a beautiful perfect Sunday afternoon at the beach to recuperate from the week’s stress or schedule an appointment with a chiropractor to fix vertebrae I strained from bending over for 8 hours picking up 5000 stones? I am a sucker for a pretty face or a teary sob story but enough is enough.
Liz, my long term friend, tells me that among the relationship skills we should learn early in life -- but usually don't -- is the ability to say no. Saying no is essential if we want to preserve relationships with many of the people, including loved ones, who are trying to get us to say yes.
Take a minute to think. The person who's making the request (or demand) probably spent a lot of time mulling over all the reasons why you should agree. You, on the other hand, may have been hit out of the blue. You can put up your hand, say "I need a moment" or even walk into another room to collect your thoughts.
Don't make a sucker's choice. In our panic, we may think we have to choose between two bad alternatives: "I have to give her a loan, or she'll never speak to me again!" (Practiced moochers are, by the way, experts in backing people into this mind-set.) The reality is that we usually have far more alternatives than we initially think. Taking a moment to consider those, and what we really want out of the situation, can keep us from grabbing a bad choice.
Go public. Tell the other person where you stand as soon as you can. This is also known as "articulating your boundaries," and tells the listener that "you're now driving the conversation," Instead of responding to their arguments, you're setting out what you will and won't do. Most petitioners "will see the answer coming" once you've gone public, and if you stick to your guns will shorten or end their attempts to persuade you. "Don't just say no," "Soften the blow by telling them why." Make it clear that your reasons aren't a personal reflection on the petitioner, but are instead solidly held beliefs. They will either choose to remain friends or move onto the next gullible party and that is all I have to say because right now I have some gold painted pine cones, I just bought, to hang up somewhere.
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